Dispelling the Myth: “People do what they want to do”
Recently I’ve had an opportunity to explore this belief with heartfelt consideration. Our conditioned beliefs and social mores’ imply that we always have a choice and therefore can simply “choose to do what we want to do”. In the mundane and everyday circumstances of our lives I would say this is true.
However, in the greater scheme of life events, such as grief, illness, pain, great sadness and certain situations that are often incomprehensible, except to the few moving through such waves… doing what one wants to do may not be a viable option. It transforms into doing what is possible in the moment.
So it is that I would like to make an invitation to consider that there are times or even events in a persons’ life which change them. In the spiral of grief for example, where the loss of one’s child is the circumstance, a parent cannot know where the grief will take them from moment to moment. Such grief is not a straight line with a finish. Getting over the loss of a parent, a wife, a husband, a sibling, a friend, a pet are achievable and do eventually integrate into the ‘natural’ order of life. Often these are difficult events and may require great effort, there does exist a kind of natural getting over or beyond.
Such is not the case with losing a precious loving son to suicide.
And in this, I honor my sons’ choice, his decision, and his amazing life.
I would invite those who have the interest to reconsider their beliefs; and that the mind would suggest a strong desire and need to be right. To reconsider the knowing of things they could not possibly know.
Recently, I had hoped to attend my sweet Great Nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and actually prepared myself for many months, setting a course with my young son and I to attend together. Knowing full well this event by its very nature is sensitive and obviously very different than other events.
Not being able to attend with my younger son, as he was caught in the timing of preparing for final exams, left me a clarity and a sadness that I could no longer go without his strong support.
I waited to see if something in me could change and bring me comfort so that I could see a way to attend my Great Nephew’s coming of age celebration. Oldest son of my cherished nephew, and his sweet precious son, a young man coming into his young adult life with his entire bright hope filled life of possibilities in front of him. All this accompanied by the love and support of so many family and friends. It was all too close, too painful, too sad for me to attend. It is also clear that great expectations for myself and others were unmet, weighed heavily and added to the pressures of sadness.
I am learning to stretch into my life any way I can, and so far am here finding ways. I am able to function in life and at times surprisingly very well. Not getting over what will soon be four years April 13 2009 a day that is burned into my heart forever is part of who I am today.
Again, this loss is not one that I am able to get over. January 26th. will be another Birthday gone. Chanukkah, New Years, holiday rituals, days of celebrated tradition no longer exist. They no longer serve to support the web of ‘normal’. I am learning to stretch and hold all that is unfathomable and to somehow simultaneously live life as a functioning human being.
Thank you for your patience and your willingness to consider. …Sometimes people cannot do what they want to do, sometimes people need to do what they can and be where they are.
Love and light,